In dreams of you

Today is Jan. 2nd 2016 and the first official day of the new year. I dreamed of you last night and I hate you for it. I hate you because you brought back old feelings and memories, I hate you because of your life choices, and I hate you because you made me cry. I hate that in my dreams you were there with me, I hate that you still smelled of old spice, I hate the way your eyes twinkled when you looked at me, I hate the deep timbre of your voice, and I hate that smile that always made me happy. I hate that I did not want to wake, that I wanted to stay with you there in that dreamworld. I hate you because I woke up and had to feel again. 

I hate you because now i have to lock that door again, I hate you for opening it. I hate you because you have not come to me in my dreams in such a long time. I hate you for choosing now to come to me, and I hate you because I still care. I hate you for the sadness I feel now and will feel until I can lock the door again. 

You had your mom trick me because you knew, if I knew it was you, I would never come. And that I would always try to do as she asked; out of respect for her. How do I know you had your mom get me there? Because you looked at her after you saw me and thanked her.  Because you know the door is locked up tight, it has to be or the "What if's" would drive me insane.

But you effectively unlocked the door didn't you? I hate the anticipation I felt in my dreams just as you walked in, and i hate the butterfly wings that took flight in my stomach just as your lips brushed my forehead. I hate the tears in my eyes as I write how much I hate you. I hate you for making me feel again. And feelings are SO over-rated, especially where you are concerned, I can't afford feelings, the price is too damn high. 

So now it will take me a few days to lock the door again; but this time I will seal it up tight, with unbreakable things, so it can never be opened again. I can't pull you from where ever you are,  that door is sealed against light. so why come torment me with memories of what will never be? I remember the day you left like it was yesterday, I still cry, it was raining like hell outside, It was night and your car lost control on the highway.

The feeling was horrid when I found out, like there would never be light again. I locked you up then, so i could never feel again. You visited me often in my dreams and I enjoyed your visits, they seemed to comfort me. Now, they torment me with things that can never be. Then I had to lock the door against you, as it was too painful to remember, but you found a way around that last night. Never again my love, never again. 

For a brief moment in time as I woke , I wondered where you were, as you have not called me in such a long time, then I remembered, and I hate you for the remembering. 

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