Today is Jan. 2nd 2016 and the first official day of the new year. I dreamed of you last night and I hate you for it. I hate you because you brought back old feelings and memories, I hate you because of your life choices, and I hate you because you made me cry. I hate that in my dreams you were there with me, I hate that you still smelled of old spice, I hate the way your eyes twinkled when you looked at me, I hate the deep timbre of your voice, and I hate that smile that always made me happy. I hate that I did not want to wake, that I wanted to stay with you there in that dreamworld. I hate you because I woke up and had to feel again.Â
I hate you because now i have to lock that door again, I hate you for opening it. I hate you because you have not come to me in my dreams in such a long time. I hate you for choosing now to come to me, and I hate you because I still care. I hate you for the sadness I feel now and will feel until I can lock the door again.Â
You had your mom trick me because you knew, if I knew it was you, I would never come. And that I would always try to do as she asked; out of respect for her. How do I know you had your mom get me there? Because you looked at her after you saw me and thanked her. Â Because you know the door is locked up tight, it has to be or the "What if's" would drive me insane.
But you effectively unlocked the door didn't you? I hate the anticipation I felt in my dreams just as you walked in, and i hate the butterfly wings that took flight in my stomach just as your lips brushed my forehead. I hate the tears in my eyes as I write how much I hate you. I hate you for making me feel again. And feelings are SO over-rated, especially where you are concerned, I can't afford feelings, the price is too damn high.Â
So now it will take me a few days to lock the door again; but this time I will seal it up tight, with unbreakable things, so it can never be opened again. I can't pull you from where ever you are,  that door is sealed against light. so why come torment me with memories of what will never be? I remember the day you left like it was yesterday, I still cry, it was raining like hell outside, It was night and your car lost control on the highway.
The feeling was horrid when I found out, like there would never be light again. I locked you up then, so i could never feel again. You visited me often in my dreams and I enjoyed your visits, they seemed to comfort me. Now, they torment me with things that can never be. Then I had to lock the door against you, as it was too painful to remember, but you found a way around that last night. Never again my love, never again.Â
For a brief moment in time as I woke , I wondered where you were, as you have not called me in such a long time, then I remembered, and I hate you for the remembering.Â